World of Leion

Not positive. Nor neutral.

My pessimistic and negative thinking should be the major contributing factor for my impending heart attack. I have strong reasons to believe I would die of cardio arrests. 

Contributing factors are work, relationship and family.

Work. I have never enjoyed SQL but I got myself a SQL job anyway. I find myself unable not to face SQL at work. The insane tight datelines and the incessant need for working overtime without getting extra pay nor transport allowance is giving me high stress levels. This feelings are reflected from other employees who had done some company survey before I started work.  Seems like this will stay this way for a long time. Somehow, I feel I will be kicked out after all the required transition is over. This is the main reason why I got a 1 year contract. Now I spend more than 12 hours at office. I have no time for love nor family, and more importantly myself. I dread this. The huge table space I have is the only condolence.

I need to find out what work I want to do. I lack knowledge of what I really want. This is the real source of my problems. I have applied for piloting at RSAF. I have come to the last stage of the recruitment process and this is the health examination. It has been almost 2 months and I have yet to get a reply from them. It seems that my chances of getting offered would be high. If so, my worry is IF I would be able to stay in there throughout the training. The drop-out rate during the training phrase is high. Even if I do so get through I might need to worry again when I retire at age 45. There is a difficult choice of choosing a desk job or a air job. One way out could be to apply for piloting at SIA. I heard I could only apply next year as I am underaged. Do I really like to fly? I cannot decide, since I do not like myself looking out of tall buildings, especially look down from a tall building…. I guess all these worries are unnecessary since I have yet to get a reply from them yet.

Relationship. This has been one area of my life I would like to improve. It is not improving as I would like it to. There is a subconscious thinking in my brain that just focus on her negative behaviour which makes me behave in a more negative behaviour towards her. The vicious cycle builds up this way. I feel I need a break from relationships. I should be single again.

Family. I am one family man. I want to be the provider for my family. I want to lessen the burden for my parents. Wishful thinking. I should just concentrate on my career first. Haha

All the stress and worries made my body come up with a new sensation I never had before. It is Globus Pharyngis. I have it in most of my waking hours. While I am no doctor, the symptoms fit mine perfectly. I have seen a doctor for the something-stuck-in-throat feeling. He was unable to find anything abnormal in my throat. That was when I decided to check up google. The feelings of this is most severe when I was at work. It had induced the sensation of vomitting several times, though nothing did come out of my mouth except some spit and saliva. Once it was red. 

Ok. Its a long time since I have come up with such a long post. Enough for the day.